The year 2017 was short (for diary entries—obviously, this is not your daily, "Dear Diary" diary). Still drinking heavily, but there were some rather lucid moments that are still relevant to me today.
"I am fucked until I find something inside me to break the bonds of my fear—that unknown fear that has been driving me slowly insane all these years."
January 12, 2017
5:30pm
It's only been 4 days since I last told myself that I can't drink again, feeling that that time I meant it.
The first 2 days, going trough WD [withdrawal], I had no want of ALC.
Wednesday evening I was overcome with the urge - an emotional want to suppress some feelings/thoughts I had all day.
[As I was transcribing that I was anticipating "the urge to drink", but as can be seen, the drink was secondary...]
Just before succumbing to the thoughts of "Just two beers" I decided to eat instead.
It worked and the want passed.
This evening is bad. And one result of just thinking about the "harrowing walk" to the liquor store is a panic attack. A PA that is directly related to the memories of drunken binges of ingesting more and more ALC for days until I wake up with just a few details that are generally negative.
Just what happened last week after "just two beers".
I was going to write: But I'm going to do it.
Then I decided to wait.
And I am reminded - being alone and scared for so long, my obsession with creative works - writing, photography, coding, designing, so many things - are attempts to connect with others.
I've met with only limited success (one five star rating on some software, sold several photographs, uncountable rejections of writing submissions...)
Plagued by fear and doubt I do continue to create stuff and things.
I continue, but that sears the heart.
6:30pm
Decide to do it.
7:00pm
On my walk I learned again! that I need to be equipped properly for even the shortest of journeys. Had I my phone with me my journey would have gone a little smoother, been a little less stressful. And I need all the help I can get.
And, when I started the journey my PA was really bad - among the worst. The walk made my chest hurt. Sitting down now to write, and after a draught of the beer, I am quite calm compared to when I first started -
I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT THE ALTERNATIVE!
Yesterday's was food. Today I had no quick food options - that came to mind, and the sandwich I had today made my stomach feeling near ill.
All this - data - is beginning to "click" as I am seeing... things, data points: memories, health, food (and lack of), lack of exercise, chores left undone, spills left un-fully cleaned... Nags that pull and disturb the mind.
But, fixing...
(Oh, fuck! My brother's death and the painfulness of that aftermath.) [Not sure where, when, that came from.]
All revolves around my mental health, which is... severely bad.
January 26, 2017
Another thing. I don't know the cause, fully. I was writing, the "creative-ness" faded. Started a video game. After a while a sense of "wasting my time I should be doing something productive" came over me.
It turned into a very painful panic attack. A very painful "I'm going to have a heart attack" pain. Thought of beer came to me. Thought of the thought process of thinking about beer came to me. That state is of hours or ever increasing pain and heart-pounding fear.
I refused to go through that this time. Not 15 minutes after it started i decide to just go and get the beer. The pain faded as I walked the "horrific walk" to the mini-mart.
Back home - now - the first beer almost finished the pain has been reduced to a "fly buzz annoyance" level. Manageable. I'm writing again.
May 4, 2017
... got a six pack to soothe the real, honest, physical craving for it.
So aware of the want of it, so aware of the assured consequences, I am though, not able to prevent this.
I am fucked until I find something inside me to break the bonds of my fear - that unknown fear that has been driving me slowly insane all these years.
May 5, 2017
11:00am
Body feels that "overall vibrating ache" that is the aftermath of drinking a mild amount of ETH.
Don't feel guilty. Too late for that. Done this/that too often. Meaningless now. Well, guilt feeling of is, has been, a constant. I'm just not kicking myself for the beer last night. So what. I did it.
Sigh.
The thing is - still - "How the fuck do I crawl out of the abyss I've been in?"
An example. Something on the TV - do not know what - caused a "flashback to the trauma memory panic" thing in my head.
Snap! Just like that - I go "there," "that place," "into the void." There's nothing to stop it.
I'm writing too much - need/want to get back to work. Just meant to record feelings. Eat 2 eggs, coffee w/milk, 2 Lor(?), 1 Bac(?), feel on the edge of panic.
Show about kids & child abuse on the TV as I write this - fuck.
Words, "life on the line," "end it now."
Less doctor/ER visits... "What did you do?" "We assured, reaffirmed them that they were valuable, human beings."
Oh boy is that show causing panic... I have to watch.
11:30am
TV show is over - more later on it. Panic attack did not occur. But my heart pounds hard and slow, boom boom boom boom my abdomen jumps.
11:30pm or so
Yeah, well, another six-pack - still quite sober though. Sometimes the same amount would floor me. I don't know. What would the "thinking before drinking" have to do with that? But clearly this is the case. I don't feel "good," physically, but not ill. I don't feel "good" mentally, but don't feel panic or distraught.
I don't know actually how I feel.
The May 4/5 writings were of normal handwriting. As I transcribe, sometimes months, even years later, I can tell by my "penmanship" - normal to very sloppy - a certain level of intoxication.
June 3, 2017
Body to memory connections
Sometimes a memory (of an event, person, etc.) seemingly comes out of nowhere, for no reason. Sometimes there is an association with a sound, song, smell, food, place, etc. Yet I am beginning to think that the "trigger" - and there is always a trigger I've been told - is internal. That is, a physical change of the body such as increase in heart rate, stubbed toe, cramp, feeling of confusion or of loss [any/all of these] bring up associated memories.
Exacerbating these events is that the memories have associations, and when one memory brings up [garbled] - a cascade of memories. Resulting in a feedback loop that turns into an anxiety or panic attack.
In the worst case, leading to black outs and/or turning to substances - usually those that are a subject of abuse.
June 6, 2017
Yeah, well. Still fucked and fucked up. Yeah.
Drinking with the specificity of removing someone from my head.
I get that way too often.
Someone said...
Someone wrote...
June 27, 2017
OK. Last few days were a few cans of beer, a six-pack, a 1/2 pint, 2 sick-packs - and in there somewhere were "2/2" beers, nip later... Followed by realizing I fucked up again.
Bad withdrawal this morning - bad. So, got one can of beer. Took the edge off.
June 28, 2017
Still feeling bad... But, get this. About 8:00pm and "feeling better," the "wanting that 'ole slight buzz and watching fav TV show" kicked in and I got one more can.
This is the fucked up part - I know. I shouldn't do that! Because, at 10:30pm I went for one more beer.
June 29, 2017
Bad dreams all last night, waking in panic, in and out of chills, sweats...
I recall, last night, I took this morning's 20mg baclofen with that last beer...
That's fucked up part two - I had it in my head to "see what it does..."
Not too bad WD this morning, but something was messed up - that horrible "vibration" feeling.
Had coffee with milk - the horrible feeling lessened. Took my morning lorazepam - not that it does much of anything, with half of the non B. Followed by an oz. or 2 of carrots with lots of water.
Now, at 10:30am I actually do feel physically better.
Sigh.
And as I finish this entry my anxiety shoots up as I realize and try to acknowledge that I can't continue drinking - duh.
But for that fucking loss of reasoning power and control seems not to deterred.
And no, calling someone, going for a walk, listening to music and all the other "coping skills" do not work as my state of mind so completely to THE LOSS OF REASONING POWER.
And I can't fathom this as LACK OF WILL POWER as "I" am not there...
June 30, 2017
Addendum
Anxiety can be acute - comes on fast.
Normal anxiety is is a response to a perceived threat or deep concern - a pot on the stove burning, a phone call that your child had an accident
An anxiety disorder is when anxiety occurs without any perceived threat.
(This is why, when people ask someone with an anxiety disorder, "What was the trigger?" is so exasperating and depressing. There is no perceived trigger! It is the purpose of therapy, with a doctor or other professional, to figure out a patient's triggering processes, which takes years.)
Anxiety can be severe - called a panic, which is very strong and even physically painful.
Anxiety can be chronic - lasting for many years.
I am learning triggers. First, triggers, for those with an AD [anxiety disorder], are memories, but often those memories are so deeply repressed by the mind (the, "I don't want to be here!" syndrome/mechanism I call it.) The memory trigger is not known.
But the triggering can be a process, or chain.
A thought like, "I need milk," triggers a memory of some milk or carton or store or car ride, etc., event that was traumatic.
A severe traumatic event can cause a blacking out of the event. This essentially suppresses the memory so it is no longer remembered. The problem is that the memory is still there, just deeply locked away, "in a room, or behind a barrier", somewhere still in the brain.
For those who had severe trauma when young, from one severe event to many over years - the event(s) can stay un-remembered into adulthood.
But it's not a memory in the sense of a memory of dinner you had with a friend in the past - with all its visual and other aspects.
It's a traumatic memory that something in the brain, that "I don't want to go there!" message that prevents the actual memory to occur.
The problem is that it triggers anxiety, or an anxiety/panic attack, and the sufferer is unaware of that memory. Not able to connect the "I need milk" thought to it.
This is anxiety without a trigger that the sufferer understands - can not see, can not figure out.
And so, the question, "What was the trigger?" is unanswerable.
Other non-perceived triggers can be sounds, smells, visual patterns.
This is not a phobia. Phobias of closed spaces or spiders have obvious triggers.
"Doctor, I can't go into an elevator because I get a panic attack when the doors open. What can I do to fix it?"
In that case, the trigger is seeing the inside of an elevator causing the PA.
But the reason could be the visual of the inside of the elevator trigger the traumatic event memory suppression process, leaving the person clueless of the true cause. To him/her it's just the opening of the elevator. And wanting to stop the attacks he/she goes to the doctor and asks, "Why?"
November 8, 2017
Never did we...
Never were we...
Never was there...
The most dramatic... thing - not knowing what else to call it - of our family was that there were no times of familial joy.
Sure, there was Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays. [Many early photos of happy children] But most were "objectification" of "things" - trees, snow, lights, gifts.
There was NO BONDING. No comradery. No... love.
And I can't articulate it well enough. I can't explain myself well enough.